The twitter diaries, p.1
The Twitter Diaries, page 1
The Twitter Diaries
2 Cities, 1 Friendship, 140 Characters
www.TheTwitterDiaries.com
To girlfriends the world over and @Mums everywhere.
Contents
Authors’ Note
Prologue
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
Epilogue
Characters
A Note on the Authors
Glossary of British-isms found in The Twitter Diaries
Acknowledgments
Copyright
Authors’ Note
This is a work of fiction and we have taken some liberties.
According to Twitter rules, tweets must be 140 characters or less. We have obeyed this and when our heroines exceed the tweet limit they go onto a new one, indicated by the symbol ‘>>’.
“Twitter handles” have been created by the authors and they have no connection with any real individual or corporate entity. For anyone who shares a Twitter handle with any of our characters – the coincidence was inadvertent.
We will be live tweeting as our two characters – @TuesdayFields and @StellaCavill – follow our exploits on Twitter and at www.TheTwitterDiaries.com.
Georgie (www.twitter.com/officiallygt) and Imogen (www.twitter.com/illoydwebber).
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Every reasonable effort has been made to trace holders of any proprietary interest in this publication but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them. The list of acknowledgements constitutes an extension of the copyright page.
Twitter is a trademark of Twitter, Inc.
Prologue
TUESDAY
I am late.
All things considered I suspect my host Peter Mignon will be uncharacteristically sympathetic. After all, I’ve travelled the Atlantic to be here, making a short detour to the London townhouse I shared up until about ten hours ago with my boyfriend Hugo Prince. Make that ex-boyfriend Hugo Prince, who I just caught on top of a brunette, on top of a pool table, in Home House. Which is why I am now 3,000 miles from London and a world away from the latest man to break my heart.
It was all Mignon’s idea, me being here.
Something to do with the endless run of espressos I supplied him with as his intern at The Daily, has since seen him return the favour in the only way he knows how; with a string of outlandish but occasionally brilliant suggestions, of which me being here is just one.
The only thing is, I’m not where I need to be right now, which is at Mignon’s New Year’s Eve bash at The Waverly Inn in downtown Manhattan. Instead I am stuck on the Tarmac at JFK, watching the snowstorm that has brought the city that never sleeps to a complete standstill and wondering when, if ever, my luck will change.
Apparently that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Well, not tonight anyway. Immigration … check. Customs … check. Luggage on the other hand … MIA. Sod it, my Virgin Atlantic sleepsuit will just have to do. When I told Mignon I may be fashionably late, this wasn’t what I had in mind. Into yellow cab minus bags, Blahniks and LBD I go.
Of course it doesn’t help that my head is mush. It’s almost as messed up as my makeshift outfit. Almost. And so I do what I always do at times of distress and regress, going over and over in my mind the events that have taken me to bolt from Big Ben into the arms of Lady Liberty.
I’m not a frequent flyer to The Big Apple but even I know this journey into Manhattan is taking an age and, tonight, I am the worst kind of passenger, the ultimate backseat driver. Thirty minutes late and counting.
The thing is, it felt like it was all going so well. With Hugo Prince, that is. Was. Until I caught him shagging a younger model senseless in the games room of the members club where we’d actually met each other, two years ago.
I should have known better than to trust a man who sleeps fortnightly with a teeth-whitening gum shield. But seriously, did I really read the signs that badly? Because after only minor resistance from the aforementioned s**t, I moved from my one bedroom in Kensal Rise into his 35 Ovington Gardens in the autumn armed with all that I have, own, am, crammed into several battered old suitcases. He had money, buckets of the stuff, but no real class to mention of and, like all successful people in this world, what Hugo Prince didn’t have he simply craved more and more a place at the top table. To be specific, he wanted in, into the establishment and into the House of Lords. If I’m being brutally honest with myself I always suspected I wouldn’t be the woman he had on his arm when he arrived at his final destination, but I sure as hell didn’t think he’d trade me in for some brash brunette either.
So my love life is once again in the gutter and I’m back to my postage stamp sized flat in NW10. Any day now my mother will start to send me her The Daily inspired thoughts of freezing eggs, suggesting I settle for Mr. Average and start finding fault with women like me – women who work rather than marry for a living.
Well there’s something, I suppose – I may be a personal disaster but at least I’m not a professional one. Not yet anyway.
We pull up outside the Waverly. Oh hell. Having got here I’m not sure I want to go in. How am I ever going to go from tramp to vamp in a five-minute trip to the ladies with only a blunt black eye pencil and lip-gloop for company?
Where is Gok Wan when you need him? Please let him be at Mignon’s party. That would be just perfect.
On first glance I can’t see Gok Wan. Lots of women who look like the one I caught Hugo Prince with are here, though. Excellent. But I can’t miss Mignon. He is in the place I expect him to be, slap bang in the middle of the bar, in the middle of an assortment of blondes, brunettes and redheads who are squirrelling around him like scavengers. He is wearing a ludicrously lurid suit and relishing every minute. The only thing that can top this moment as far as Mignon is concerned is if he were to turn around and see me, his old intern, at the entrance of this fabulous place, wearing my Virgin Atlantic sleepsuit.
And then he does.
STELLA
I am late. In London I was never late. But six short months in New York and Stella Cavill, Little Miss Control Freak, is late for New Year’s Eve. It’s not as if the timing has changed at the last minute.
Although the location has. Thank God Peter Mignon stepped in with this invite, even if it is at the Waverly Inn with a whole load of ‘meeja’ underlings of his. Will still gets impressed by Mignon and the tales of guests on his transatlantic ABC chat show. Will still gets impressed by the Waverly Inn. You can take the geek out of the style but not out of the boy, especially one but months off the boat.
I find it hard to muster up the enthusiasm anymore. It’s all work to me. They’re just people and it’s just a restaurant and really there are more important things going on in the world. Or maybe they’re all merely keeping up appearances too and, like me, behind the façade they are all dancing on the recession’s knife-edge.
In I walk to the crowded West Village cubbyhole that defines pretentious. I am so late that coat checking will have to wait. Still wrapped up against the bitter snowstorm I totter into the bar area with my array of bags – there was no way I was leaving my alternative outfit option – my one precious Leger and pair of Blahniks – in Stellar Shoes, Seventh Avenue s**thole offices. I’d thought it essential to be in the middle of Fashion Avenue, the trade-off being that to stick to my backer’s budget I’d ended up with a studio where security amounted to an easily prised padlock.
I force a smile on my face – you never know when you may meet a client who needs some shoes on his feet. That’s how I met Mignon after all, when his producers took away the desk from his set and realised his footwear was as tasteless as his tweets.
Stop it, Stella. Beneath Mignon’s bluster there is a warm-hearted human being. And he’s a Brit. It’s odd how being away from home makes you gravitate towards the familiar, even if it’s just the accent, a better immigration lawyer, and the shared experience of Grange Hill with beans on toast for tea. Is that why Will and I stay together, familiarity? In our last row he dared to intimate it was because I didn’t have the bank balance to move out and on. How could he even think like that let alone say it?
I spy Will. Very much the Goldstein Smythe banker. He certainly looks the part, now. According to my mother, his transformation is my greatest achievement. No mention of her only child building a business up from scratch without taking a pound from her mother’s divorce settlements. This particular mother daughter chat had taken place over the summer on a boat Will had chartered. When she’d declared that ‘now it’s time to close the deal darling, I always managed it within six months’, I’d almost thrown her still-perfect body into the Med.
My mother’s screams of displeasure were still ringing in my ears from Christmas. Hell hath no fury like a former supermodel (if one Vogue cover in 1971 made you, officially, ‘super’) – without a wedding to organise. The news we’d cancelled St Bart’s had sent her over the edge. ‘What do you mean, you’re both working? That’s not part of the plan,’ she screamed down the phone. ‘I’d had you and three husbands by the time I’d hit your advanced age of 33. The ring was the plan, the RING!’
Of course, I denied I had a plan. But it was a truth universally acknowledged that I, Stella Cavill, always had a plan. A plan to break free from my family (well, my mother). A plan for world domination (or at least to become the Tamara Mellon of male footwear). And yes, of course I’d had a plan for Will.
But life’s rich tapestry keeps getting in the way with ever increasing intensity.
Will kisses me hello. Breathe, Stella. It’s fine. Everything’s still fine.
We’d moved to New York together. Will Moss and Stella Cavill had an American dream of conquering the Big Apple from their trendy Soho loft. And we had come so far. I knew the minute I met Will in those heady, pre credit crunch days. The suit was dreadful, the shoes unspeakable and he had looked like a waiter in Annabel’s rather than a member with that haircut. But there was something about him. A kindness. And he could banter. Men who can’t answer back don’t last three minutes in my company let alone several years. We were blissfully happy for all that time in Islington. And then came our attempt to take our bite out of the Big Apple.
I survey the scene. Mignon has assembled the usual array of minions but there’s someone I don’t recognise. She is teasing him relentlessly about his Twitter follower count, despite the fact she is attired in a Virgin Atlantic sleepsuit.
I like her already.
TUESDAY
Mignon and I are having a heated debate. It was always going to happen at some point this evening, it nearly always does, but I didn’t bargain on it happening already, and certainly not with me arguing my case dressed in a big red baby-gro. He’s obsessing over Twitter. I’m doing my best to wind him up over his followers. It’s not difficult. I just tell him @LordTw1tter is trending. 3-2-1 and I’ve lost him to his IPhone.
I stifle a giggle. It feels good. The law of probability suggests I’m within a whisker of being cut a break sometime soon and then, just as in all the finest Richard Curtis films, I get my break.
Standing at the doorway a matter of moments after I’ve made my own embarrassing entrance is another of Mignon’s blonde dinner guests – a slim and glamorous thirty-something swamped with bags and visibly harangued by her own appalling time keeping.
I like her instantly.
STELLA
Three minutes later and Tuesday Fields is filling my spare Leger rather better than I. But after hearing her story I certainly don’t begrudge the poor girl this.
Hugo Prince. I’d heard of him of course – you’d have to be hiding under a rock not to know of his business success. But since when did such ambition translate to personal happiness, for either the egocentric Prince or the invariably neglected Princess in his life?
It hadn’t for my mother.
I can see Tuesday trying to keep it together. Time to face the music. Or at least Mignon’s placement. Somewhat predictably for New York – and our host – there are too many women for the table. Which creatures will be attaching themselves to Will this time?
Thanks to our outfit changing expedition we are last to the table and I draw Tuesday Fields. I quickly surmise I get the luck of the draw. I think this girl could be a soul sister and it’s not just because of the uncanny physical similarity between us. The 22-year-old PR, whose hand is glued to the small of Will’s back, has squealed in confirmation ‘you could be twins’.
TUESDAY
Thank God for this girl Stella. Gok who? Out of sleepsuit and into slinky Hervé number I go. Of course looking the part doesn’t mean you belong and I still don’t. Not really. Not even a little bit. But then neither, it seems, does the shoe designer sitting to the left of me. Quicker than Harry Potter can say expelliarmus Stella had spotted my predicament, whisked me off to the restrooms and waved her wand (and a generous dousing of Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir) all over me.
Over dress fittings and a pocket sized can of Elnett I spill about Hugo Prince and she spills about her boyfriend, Will. Now there’s a boy who looks right at home in this crowd, from the luscious locks to the beautifully cut Saville Row suit (no tie), to the great watch and even better shoes. Some would say he’s practically perfect in every way. Except for the fact he isn’t.
STELLA
Tuesday is now abusing @PM_TV about Arsenal’s lack of success, her encyclopaedic sporting knowledge crushing his. I find myself laughing. Loudly. It’s been a while. Somehow, in her presence, the problems of a never ending supply of women ten years younger than me falling over my sharp-suited boyfriend, along with the issues in my shoes’ supply chain, start to dissipate.
As my giggles ring forth I find Will catching my eye with a glint that I haven’t seen in months.
TUESDAY
There aren’t many things in this world I’m certain of but here are some things I do know; a glass of fizz solves everything and Peter Mignon knows how to throw a party. A combination of the two is a guaranteed good time and that is precisely, against all the odds, what I am having.
Oh hell. He’s on his feet. Speech incoming …
STELLA
@PM_TV has declared we need to announce our New Year’s Resolutions.
We have all drunk enough to be bordering on honest.
Tuesday’s is to get the coveted sofa spot on Wake Up Britain.
Mine is to dress the feet of men @PM_TV could only dream of kissing the feet of on his much hyped new TV show – while shifting serious stock.
@PM_TV’s is to hit a million Twitter followers by the end of the year, crucially exceeding that of his rival, British businessman, ‘@LordTw1tter’.
Tuesday and I roll our eyes, get out our phones and pretend to unfollow @PM_TV immediately.
Of course, while we’re on there, well it would be rude not to, @TuesdayFields and @StellaCavill are each other’s newest followers on Twitter.
January
Tuesday Fields
@TuesdayFields London
Intrepid newshound with a nose for a good sports story.
Monthly Must:
Get over @HugoPr1nce.
Monthly Must Not:
Sleep with @JakeJacksonLive.
Followers:
Not enough to declare publicly.
Stella Cavill
@StellaCavill New York, New York
Saviour of men’s feet.
Monthly Must:
Do anything and everything to get @MichaelAngeloMovie wearing Stellars for the Oscars.
Monthly Must Not:
Put overdraft even deeper in the red even if there’s frost inside the windows at Stellar Shoes’ offices.
Followers:
Embarrassingly low.
* * *
@StellaCavill
New York calling London. Did you get back to Blighty OK?
@TuesdayFields
Are you really 100% sure only we can read these direct messages, Stella Cavill?!
@StellaCavill
Positive, Tuesday Fields. So … did you get home alright?
@TuesdayFields
Seriously … no one else can see these tweets?
@StellaCavill
Seriously.
@TuesdayFields
Direct from me to you, and you to me?
@StellaCavill
Correct.
@TuesdayFields
So just to be clear …
@StellaCavill
Tuesday! Why do you think they’re called ‘direct’ messages?
@TuesdayFields
Well I hope you’re right, for both our sakes …
@StellaCavill
How revealing do you think our twitter conversations are going to end up being?
@TuesdayFields
Well, you never know, we may end up dishing the dirt on all sorts. Our innermost thoughts on love, life, the universe …
@StellaCavill
We may … but not this morning, I’m preoccupied with a hangover.
>> Was just checking you’re back in London, out of sleepsuit and in something more constrictive, that’s all?
@TuesdayFields
Sleepsuit bagged and binned. Sad really. We went through a lot in that short time we had together.
